When Ten Years Try to Erase Fifty-Three

Nov1

I’m 69 years old.
That means I’ve been mentoring, training, and teaching others since I was 16 years old. Over five decades of pouring into lives, guiding others through storms, celebrating their wins, and building leaders before I ever thought to call myself one.

And yet—too often, people look past all of that. They judge me not by the 53 years of service, but by the 10 years of pain.

Yes, the last decade of my life has carried unimaginable valleys:

  • Grief and loss that shattered then reshaped my world.
  • Seasons with no income, where I had to rebuild from the ground up.
  • Homelessness, where stability became a stranger.
  • Abuse, where my voice was tested.
  • Incarceration, where my freedom was challenged.

And still, here I stand.

What baffles me is how quick society is to reduce a life to its lowest moments. To disregard the fruit of decades because of a handful of storms. But here’s the truth I’ve come to embrace: storms reveal what sunshine never could.

Those 10 years do not erase my 53 years of wisdom. They refine them. They deepen them. They give me language and compassion for the very people I serve today—because I don’t just teach resilience, I’ve lived it.

So if you see me, don’t just see the valleys I’ve walked through. See the mountains I was able to move out of my way . See the decades of mentorship. See the women and men who are thriving today because I chose to keep showing up, even when life tried to silence me.

Your past does not define you—it refines you. And if my 10 years of trial help someone else find their triumph, then not one day was wasted.

💜 Ready to Rise Again?

If you’ve been silenced by shame, grief, or judgment, this is your time.
I’m offering complimentary Clarity Catalyst™ sessions throughout November and December to help you realign, rebuild, and rediscover your purpose.

🗓️Reserve your FREE session on my calendar 👉 https://calendly.com/denyseturner/letschat
✨ Then join our healing community inside Reclaim Your Voice & Rise™ — where faith, healing, and clarity meet.
#ReclaimYourVoiceAndRise #Clarity Catalyst #ResilienceInAction #GriefandGrace #FaithForward #LegacyLeader

He Knows My Name: How I Walked Through Fire and Found Victory Holding His Hand

Aug22

There’s a sacred kind of comfort that comes when you realize—really realize—that God knows your name.

Not just the name others use. Not just the title you carried—Pastor’s Wife, First Lady, Mom, Counselor, Leader. No, He knows your soul-name. The one buried beneath the grief, the abuse, the confusion, the shame.

I remember the moment this song found me.

I wasn’t standing in a pulpit or surrounded by applause. I was standing at rock bottom—widowed, betrayed by those I served, homeless, arrested, and holding the shattered pieces of a life I no longer recognized. And somehow… this lyric reached in like a lifeline:

“Oh, how He walks with me… and oh, how He talks with me… and oh, how He tells me that I am His own.”

I had lost almost everything. But He hadn’t lost me.

When the Fire Comes for You

You don’t expect the fire when you’re serving faithfully.

You don’t expect the betrayal, the eviction, the abuse, the courtrooms, the shame-filled silence. But it comes. And when it came for me, I thought I was done. I even asked God to take me to wherever my husband was but…….

Until I realized…

“No fire can burn me, no battle can turn me, no mountain can stop me… ‘Cause You hold my hand.”

Those weren’t just lyrics. That was my lifeline.

Every time I wanted to retreat and hide, every time I questioned if I could lead again—God whispered, “Denyse, I still know your name.”

He reminded me: I’m not what I lost. I’m not what I went through. I am His own.

From Shattered to Strategic

The reason I now stand as a Certified Trauma & Inner Healing Strategist is because I lived it. I didn’t just read about trauma—I walked it barefoot. And I’m not a polished product of perfection—I’m a walking, breathing testimony of triumph.

“Now I’m walking in Your victory, ‘cause Your power is within me.”

That power carried me. And now it carries others—through Clarity Catalyst™, Reclaim Your Voice™, and The Phoenix Path.

Every survivor I coach, every woman I mentor, every leader I train—I remind them:

You are not too broken. You are not too old. You are still chosen. You are still known.

Your Story Isn’t Over—You’re Just Holding the Pen Again

If you’re reading this feeling forgotten… hear me:

🌿 You are not invisible.
🔥 You are not too far gone.
🕊️ God still knows your name. And He’s holding your hand.

And I’d be honored to walk with you as you reclaim your voice, rewrite your story, and rise from the ashes.

✨ Ready to Walk in Your Victory?

👣 Join the Reclaim Your Voice & Rise™ Community
A private space for women healing through faith, trauma, and purpose:
🔗 Join the Group

📅 Book a Free Clarity Call
Let’s talk about your story, your healing, and your next breakthrough:
🔗 Schedule Here

🦋 Because no fire can burn you—when He’s holding your hand.

✍🏽 With triumph and grace,

Dr. Denyse H. Turner
Certified Trauma & Inner Healing Strategist
Founder & Visionary, Triumphant Grace Enterprises™
📬 letschat@ladydrdenyse.com | 🌐 http://www.denysehturner.com
💜 Your story matters. Your healing matters. And your voice is sacred.

New Season, New You

Jun24

When my husband and I first arrived in Paterson, NJ, he was a brand-new pastor in a brand-new city. To understand the spiritual landscape, he asked around:
“If you wanted to grow in God and have a good time, what church would you attend?”

He kept hearing the same church name. So, instead of judging or competing, he studied that church. Why? Because wisdom tells you: when you’re new to a city, learn the people of that city.

And the same is true for life.

➡️ When you’re new to a season,
➡️ When you’re walking into a new space,
➡️ When you’re stepping into a new assignment,
you can’t assume you know what you’re doing just because you’ve done something before.

You have to study the space.
Study the season.
Study the you who showed up.

Let God teach you the rhythms of this new place. The people. The purpose. The pace. Every new season requires a fresh strategy and a humble spirit.

🌱 Don’t rush to perform.
🌿 Pause to perceive.
🕊️ Listen before leading.

This new chapter isn’t about proving you belong—it’s about preparing to become.

#TriumphantGrace #NewSeasonNewYou #SpiritualGrowth #StudyTheSpace #PastorsWifeWisdom #ClarityCatalyst™ #TransformationInEverySeason

* The Clarity Catalyst™ is a free self-assessment designed to help you understand where you are on your healing journey—and what step to take next.

Whether you’re navigating trauma, grief, betrayal, or a major life transition, this tool gives you:

  • 🧭 Clear language for what you’re feeling
  • 🕊️ Insight into your current emotional and spiritual stage
  • 💬 A compassionate next step—without pressure or shame

It’s not a diagnosis. It’s not a test.
It’s your first step toward healing with purpose, not confusion.

🔍 Ready to discern the difference between where you’ve been and where you’re called next?
💬 Start your Clarity Catalyst™ journey today. Schedule your Clarity Call

Stop Blaming the Victim: The Real Conversation Behind the Diddy Trial

May16

The Diddy trial isn’t just another scandal making headlines—it’s a deeply disturbing reminder of the abuse women have endured behind closed doors for far too long. It’s a reckoning. And yet, even now, in the face of multiple allegations and legal proceedings, public opinion still struggles with the same tired question: “Why did she stay?” or worse, “Why is she coming forward now?”

Let me be clear: this is not just about one man. This is about power, silence, fear, and the culture that too often protects the abuser while blaming the abused.

When Will We Believe Her?

Too many women have been silenced—not just by their abusers but by the shame, scrutiny, and societal disbelief that follows them when they speak out. As I wrote in my original blog post “Stop Blaming the Victim,”:
“No one invites trauma. No one chooses abuse. Yet so many women are forced to explain, relive, and defend the pain they never deserved in the first place.”

That line has stayed with me because I lived it. I was abused. I was homeless. I was discarded and dismissed after decades of serving faithfully beside my husband in ministry. And when I tried to find love again, I ended up in a relationship that nearly broke me completely.

I also did not come forward immediately! It was a mix of the psychological barriers that prevented that:

1. Trauma Bonding (also known as Betrayal Bonding)
“He was the only one who made me feel seen, and the one who destroyed me.”

2. Shame and Self-Blame

Victims often internalize the abuse, believing they caused it or somehow deserve it. Society reinforces this by asking:

  • “Why didn’t you leave?”
  • “What were you wearing?”
  • “Are you sure that’s what happened?”

This fuels deep shame and silence.

3. Fear of Retaliation

Many women fear what will happen if they speak out:

  • Will he hurt me again?
  • Will he go after my children?
  • Will I be dragged through the media or legal system?

For some, especially in high-profile or controlling relationships, the fear of consequences is paralyzing.

4. Normalization of Abuse

If a woman grew up in an environment where abuse was common, she may normalize those behaviors. She might not initially recognize the behavior as abuse because it’s what she’s always known.

“I thought it was just how relationships were. He never hit me—so I thought it wasn’t abuse.”

5. Loss of Identity and Confidence

Abuse breaks down a woman’s sense of self. Psychological manipulation, gaslighting, and control can make her doubt her own memory, intuition, and worth.

  • “Maybe I’m overreacting.”
  • “Maybe he didn’t mean it.”

6. Dependency and Isolation

Abusers often cut off their victims from financial independence, friends, family, or faith communities. Without a support system, leaving can feel like jumping into a void.

7. Lack of Immediate Memory Clarity (Trauma Response)

In moments of trauma, the brain often freezes to survive. Many victims:

  • Disassociate
  • Experience memory gaps
  • Struggle to recall details immediately

This delay is often misinterpreted as lying or exaggeration, when in reality, it’s the brain protecting itself.

8. Religious or Cultural Pressure

Faith teachings, cultural expectations, or community roles can make women feel like speaking up will shame their family, disrespect a spouse, or ruin reputations.

“I was a Pastor’s Widow. I felt I had to protect the church’s image and that of my late husband, even at the cost of my own life. I also had a lot of supporters who followed me. I was too embarrassed to say everything turned left! I also had to make a PLAN to escape.”

9. Hopelessness or Learned Helplessness

Repeated abuse teaches many women that nothing will change, no one will believe them, and they are powerless. Over time, they stop trying to escape.

10. Lack of Trust in Systems

Women of color, immigrants, incarcerated survivors, or women from marginalized communities often fear that police, courts, or mental health systems won’t protect them—or worse, will re-traumatize or criminalize them.

When a woman doesn’t come forward immediately, it’s not because she’s lying or seeking attention. It’s often because she is still surviving. The world must stop asking why she waited and start asking how we can support her now.

So, I speak with full authority when I say: Abuse is never the victim’s fault.

The Shame is Not Hers to Carry

When a woman is abused, her mind and body often go into survival mode. She may minimize what happened, blame herself, protect her abuser, or stay silent because the alternative—being blamed, judged, or not believed—is more terrifying than staying.

Society must stop asking, “Why didn’t she leave?” and start asking, “Why did he abuse her?”

The Power of Speaking Up

Whether you’re famous or not, the cost of speaking out is high. The Diddy trial is showing us in real time that even with public platforms, access to lawyers, and years of evidence, women still face an uphill battle. Now imagine what it’s like for the everyday woman without resources, legal support, or a voice.

But every time one woman speaks out, it makes room for another. That is how change begins.

Let’s Shift the Narrative

We must move from a culture of skepticism to one of support and belief. We must dismantle the systems—both spiritual and societal—that protect abusers and silence the broken.

We are in a moment where accountability is rising, but real justice won’t come until we stop minimizing abuse and stop crucifying women for surviving it.

To every woman reading this:
You are not what happened to you. You are who you’re becoming.
And to the world:
It’s time to stop blaming the victim and start holding the abuser accountable.

Let’s Connect!
If you’re navigating healing, ready to transform your pain into purpose, or need a speaker who will move your audiences…
🌐 Visit: https://denysehturner.com
📩 Email: letschat@ladydrdenyse.com

Dr. Denyse H. Turner
Mental Health Strategist | Keynote Speaker | Trauma Recovery Advocate

Why a Change of Location Can Ease the Weight of Trauma

May15

Sometimes, the place where your trauma happened is the hardest place to heal. The streets, the voices, the familiar routines—they all carry the echoes of pain, memories, and survival. For many, staying in the same environment after experiencing deep emotional wounds can keep the nervous system in a state of constant alert.

That’s why a change of location—especially across states—can offer more than just new scenery. It can offer relief.

Have you ever considered a change in location or environment?

Every day I look around and say, “I don’t believe I even live in Las Vegas.” I had never even considered a change in location, especially Las Vegas—unless it was to accompany my late husband in his pastoral career. BUT here I am.

And honestly, this new environment has brought unexpected healing.

There’s something profoundly therapeutic about the beauty of the palm trees swaying gently in the breeze, and the majestic mountains rising in the distance—from whence cometh my help. I find comfort in simply gazing at them. The weather, too, has played its part. No snow. No relentless rain. Just warmth, sunshine, and light. My soul needed this climate just as much as my body did.

I often say, “I didn’t move to escape. I moved to breathe.”

But the REAL truth is, I didn’t even begin to truly breathe until after surviving a toxic relationship that greeted me shortly after my relocation. That relationship threatened to suffocate the peace I was longing for. But once I broke free, the beauty of this move—the stillness, the scenery, the healing atmosphere—finally began to sink in.

Relocation gave me:

  • Mental clarity from fewer triggers
  • Physical relief from tension I didn’t realize I was holding
  • A fresh identity rooted in who I was becoming, not what I had survived
  • Peace of mind from the absence of toxic relationships, places, or people

No, moving doesn’t erase grief. It doesn’t undo the heartbreak. But sometimes, the shift in geography creates the space your soul needs to start again. The noise fades. The old reminders become distant. And something beautiful begins to grow in the quiet.

You are not running away. You are choosing peace.

If you’re considering relocating for your mental health, know that it’s not weakness—it’s wisdom. Sometimes, new soil is exactly what’s needed to bloom again.

Let’s Connect!
If you’re navigating healing, ready to transform your pain into purpose OR need a speaker who will move your audiences and speaks from lived experience……
I speak, write, and advocate as a trauma-informed voice for those who have lived through the unthinkable. I’d love to connect if you’re looking for a keynote speaker, workshop leader, or collaborator.

Contact:
https://denysehturner.com/keynotes for Speaking Inquiries OR email: letschat@ladydrdenyse.com

Dr. Denyse H. Turner, Founder/CEO
Triumphant Grace Enterprises
Mental Health Strategist – Trauma Focus and Psychosocial Support Specialist
Christian Educator, Ministry Developer, International Public Speaker, Author/Writer/Ghostwriter, Coach/Counselor, Trainer, Seminar/Workshop Leader, Virtual Trauma Conference© Host, and Group Event Planner

Phone: 855-549-3894
Email: letschat@ladydrdenyse.com
Visit: https://denysehturner.com

Dr. Denyse H. Turner
Mental Health Strategist | Keynote Speaker | Trauma Recovery Advocate

Mother’s Day Grief: Finding Healing in the Hard Places

May8

Mother’s Day is beautiful… but for many of us, it’s also brutally hard.

My mother passed away on my husband’s birthday—forever linking two of the most important people in my life in a way that deepened my grief. I went through active grief for a long time, feeling waves of loss that sometimes felt unbearable.

Then, I lost my husband. And every Mother’s Day since, I feel that double ache. Double because my husband and children always went all out to celebrate me on Mother’s Day—both at home and at church.

To complicate things more, my own life’s twists and turns—including betrayal, trauma, and brokenness—have affected my relationship with my children. I’ve been estranged from them for years. My son and I are rebuilding, and I hold out hope and prayer for my daughter.

Last Mother’s Day, instead of sitting in sadness, I treated myself. I took myself to a beautiful jazz restaurant and fully enjoyed the experience. That night reminded me: sometimes we have to nurture our own hearts. Self-soothing moments like this don’t erase the grief—but they give us space to breathe.

If you’re feeling out of place, aching, or lonely this Mother’s Day, please know: you are not alone. And there is a path through grief.

I offer a transformative grief workshop designed to support, strengthen, and guide you through the journey of loss. Whether your grief is fresh or something you’ve carried for years, this space is for you.

Let’s heal together.

  • Want to gather a group? Group leaders receive $100 when 10 people register.
  • If your church or ministry invites me to host the workshop—it’s FREE (with love offerings accepted).

Visit Grief Workshop Registration to register. Let’s walk this path of healing together.

Let’s Connect!
I now speak, write, and advocate as a trauma-informed voice for those who’ve lived through the unthinkable. If you’re looking for a keynote speaker, workshop leader, or collaborator who speaks from lived experience—I’d love to connect.

Contact:
https://ladydrdenyse.com/about for Speaking Inquiries OR email: letschat@ladydrdenyse.com

Dr. Denyse H. Turner, CEO
Triumphant Grace Enterprises
Mental Health Strategist – Trauma Focus and Psychosocial Support Specialist
Christian Educator, Ministry Developer, International Public Speaker, Author/Writer/Ghostwriter, Coach/Counselor, Trainer, Seminar/Workshop Leader, Virtual Trauma Conference© Host, and Group Event Planner

Phone: 855-549-3894
Email: letschat@ladydrdenyse.com
Web: https://ladydrdenyse.com

The Power of a Hard Reset in My Business: A Year of Transcendence

May7

In business and in life, there are moments when everything needs a hard reset. It’s not just about bouncing back or getting back to where you were before a setback or challenge. It’s about transcending where you were—about resetting your mindset, your goals, and your vision for the future. It’s about moving forward with more wisdom, more purpose, and greater resilience than ever before.

For me, 2025 is my Year of Transcendence, 10 years after a huge loss. Its a time to step into a new level of growth and impact. It’s a time to redefine what success looks like and to align my life and business with deeper values and a more profound sense of purpose.

What Is a “Hard Reset”?

A hard reset is more than just a fresh start. It’s a complete overhaul of how you approach your business, your goals, and even your identity. It’s about clearing away the old limitations, rethinking the way you operate, and embracing the opportunity to rebuild stronger, smarter, and more focused.

Many people think of resilience as bouncing back to the way things were before the storm hit, but true resilience is about moving forward and becoming something more. It’s about using the lessons learned through hardships and challenges to push yourself beyond what you thought was possible. When you hit that “reset” button, you’re not just trying to get back to your starting point—you’re striving to go further, to elevate yourself and your business beyond what was.

Why “Year of Transcendence”?

2025 marks a significant shift for me. I’m calling it my Year of Transcendence because this year is about breaking through the limits I’ve placed on myself and my business. It’s about letting go of past perceptions and stepping into a new realm of potential.

Transcendence isn’t just about overcoming obstacles; it’s about elevating yourself to a higher level. It’s about embracing the lessons of resilience, transformation, and growth, and using them to create even more value in my life, my business, and for the people I serve. I’m not looking back to where I was—I’m focused on moving ahead with greater insight, greater value, and an even deeper commitment to helping others.

In my business, this means refining my mission, offering even more valuable services, and making a greater impact with my work. It’s about not just meeting the needs of those I serve, but anticipating those needs and exceeding expectations. It’s about ensuring that every challenge I’ve faced has added to my ability to guide others with wisdom and compassion.

Resilience Isn’t About Going Back—It’s About Going Forward

Resilience is often misunderstood as simply bouncing back to the “old normal.” But I believe resilience means thriving in the face of adversity, and that’s what my Year of Transcendence is all about.

I want to be further than where I was. I want more wisdom, more insight, more purpose, and more value to give to others. My business, my mission, and my life are all evolving, and this year marks the moment I embrace a fresh perspective on all of it.

This is more than just a business strategy. It’s a personal transformation—a way of showing up for myself and others in a way that feels deeply aligned with who I am and where I’m going.

Looking Ahead: Moving Beyond the Reset

As I continue this journey, my commitment to transcendence will guide every decision. It will shape how I work, who I serve, and how I show up as a leader. It’s not just about business growth; it’s about the growth of my soul, my relationships, and my capacity to help others rise, too.

The reset has already begun, and with it comes a renewed sense of purpose, passion, and potential. This is my time to transcend—no longer defined by past limitations, but fueled by the possibilities ahead.

Let’s Connect!
I now speak, write, and advocate as a trauma-informed voice for those who’ve lived through the unthinkable. If you’re looking for a keynote speaker, workshop leader, or collaborator who speaks from lived experience—I’d love to connect.

Contact:
https://denysehturner.com/keynotes for Speaking Inquiries OR email: letschat@ladydrdenyse.com

Dr. Denyse H. Turner, CEO
Triumphant Grace Enterprises
Mental Health Strategist – Trauma Focus and Psychosocial Support Specialist
Christian Educator, Ministry Developer, International Public Speaker, Author/Writer/Ghostwriter, Coach/Counselor, Trainer, Seminar/Workshop Leader, Virtual Trauma Conference© Host, and Group Event Planner

Phone: 855-549-3894
Email: letschat@ladydrdenyse.com

Fighting the Saboteurs of Your Life

Apr29

We all have saboteurs. They show up as shame, fear, self-doubt, unhealthy relationships, and even our own voices telling us we’re not enough. But what happens when those saboteurs are not just internal—but walking, talking people who smile in your face and betray you behind your back?

I know what it’s like to be sabotaged by others—and by myself.

After almost 40 years of marriage to a pastor, I believed I had built a life rooted in faith, love, and purpose. But when betrayal came from the very people I served, my world fell apart. I lost my marriage, my home of 29 years, and my identity in one devastating season. I went from being the “First Lady” of a church to being homeless and heartbroken.

In the ruins of that life, I craved comfort, connection, and validation. That desperation led me into an abusive relationship at the tender age of 62—a place I never imagined I’d be. The physical, emotional, and psychological abuse I endured in that season was another form of sabotage—one that preyed on the grief and vulnerability I carried.

Then came incarceration. The trauma that had been building for years erupted into a life-altering experience that most people wouldn’t survive. But I did. Not because I’m superhuman, but because I decided the saboteurs—internal and external—would not have the final word.

Here’s what I’ve learned about fighting the saboteurs of your life:

  1. Recognize Them – Whether it’s a toxic partner, a manipulative church leader, or your own negative self-talk, you have to name what’s harming you. You can’t fight what you refuse to see.
  2. Heal Loudly – I refuse to heal in silence anymore. Sharing your truth is a powerful weapon against shame. Every time I speak, I reclaim a part of myself that was stolen.
  3. Rebuild Intentionally – After trauma, you don’t “bounce back”—you build forward. I rebuilt my life not by trying to be who I was, but by becoming who I was meant to be: a trauma-informed keynote speaker, an advocate, a survivor who thrives.
  4. Set Holy Boundaries – Boundaries are not just healthy; they are holy. I’ve learned to protect my peace like my life depends on it—because it does.
  5. Forgive Strategically – Forgiveness isn’t about letting people off the hook; it’s about releasing yourself from the grip of resentment. I forgive, not to forget, but to free myself.

If you’re reading this and feeling the weight of your own saboteurs, I want you to know—you’re not crazy, weak, or broken. You’re human. And you’re worthy of healing, no matter how many times you’ve had to start over.

I’ve started over more times than I can count. But each time, I come back wiser, stronger, and more grounded in truth.

You can, too.

The saboteurs don’t win. You do.

Let’s Connect!

I now speak, write, and advocate as a trauma-informed voice for those who’ve lived through the unthinkable. If you’re looking for a keynote speaker, workshop leader, or collaborator who speaks from lived experience—I’d love to connect.

Contact:
https://denysehturner.com/keynotes for Speaking Inquiries OR email: letschat@ladydrdenyse.com

#TraumaHealing #Resilience #KeynoteSpeaker #WomensVoices #MentalHealth #OvercomingAdversity #RebuildingLife #HealingJourney

Dr. Denyse H. Turner, CEO,
Triumphant Grace Enterprises Mental Health Strategist – Trauma Focus and Psychosocial Support Specialist
Christian Educator, Ministry Developer, International Public Speaker, Author/Writer/Ghostwriter, Coach/Counselor, Trainer, Seminar/Workshop Leader, Virtual Trauma Conference© Host, and Group Event Planner
Phone: 855-549-3894
Email: letschat@ladydrdenyse.com
Web: https://ladydrdenyse.com 

STOP BLAMING THE VICTIM!

Apr27

I was listening to a livestream this morning and I had to share some information.

Many times, those who have been involved in toxic relationships have been made to feel shame and embarrassment for being in that type of relationship or for failing to leave when others think they should leave. Let’s STOP.

People who are empathic in nature, meaning there’s an ability to understand and share the feelings of someone else, always want to see the good in others. I have always been tuned into the feelings of others around me and will react to excessive stimuli. This is why a trip to NYC is so exhilarating to me as well as exhausting! As an empath, I’m taking in so many emotions and energies around me, it’s hard to even focus on the food!

That said, do you think a person expects to be abused? No! We want to see the good in people. We look through the unpleasant and try to see people as God sees them. We want to love and be loved by that person. We never think a person can and will pretend to be someone they are not – purposefully.

Disclaimer: I will never label a person as a “narcissist” unless I know for sure they have been clinically diagnosed. In my case, this person was doubly diagnosed. I also know from personal experience that this person displays 8 of the 9 traits of Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD).

So, in my relationship, I thanked God because I thought that after everything else He restored to me, He was sending my Chapter 2 to love me for the rest of our lives. I later learned that the enemy heard the words I spoke “You didn’t send the love I had” and used those words against me. HE TRIED IT BUT GOD knew what was going to happen and protected and provided for me!

I shared my happiness with all of my family, friends, associates and colleagues. They shared in that joy. They gave many words of encouragement and blessings. They were awesome! They followed me for 7 days as I drove across country to meet my Chapter 2. I was grateful for that opportunity to prove God’s protection and the independence He allowed me to experience by walking me through doing something I had never ever done before. 

Not only did my friends and family witness the words of love coming from this person, they also saw the times when he would lash out at others for no apparent reason. I saw it too. I knew, because he told me, that he had been hurt in life. I knew the pain that trauma can leave and the impact on your life. So, although I saw very early that there were signs of insecurity based on the hurt he had sustained, I knew I could “love him past his pain”. I felt like I was in a Tyler Perry movie. But I understood hurt and betrayal very well and it felt good for someone to say again that they loved me. To have known this person since I was 15 years old, I thought it was the perfect set up. I even said how blessed was I to have TWO of the best loves in my life.

I was also still bleeding from the trauma I had sustained. People with NPD are like sharks and can smell blood. He attacked! And he knew he would be successful because he wasn’t a stranger to me. I initially said, I was not interested in anybody after my husband because I did not think anybody could love me like he did. Man, how right I was!

He pretended to be someone he thought I needed and wanted in that season of my life. He began by isolating me from people who loved me – my family and friends. He continued with gaslighting, projection, grandiosity, manipulation, control, extreme jealousy, monopolizing conversations, extreme mood swings, overly boastful about achievements, superiority to others and lack of empathy for others, always craving the “best” of everything, which is one reason why we lived in a 6 bedroom house, and fragile self-esteem. This is JUST a taste! This doesn’t even include the physical abuse!

So, why on earth would I want to be subjected to that? For love – when I was being killed inside and outside? I didn’t even recognize myself at the end. People are being told by him that I left because I seduced a man while with him, and I went to live with that man. For those who know me, that couldn’t be any further from the truth! I left for ME – to save my life, regain my self-esteem and repair my soul that had been lost. No matter how much I loved this person, I loved myself more!!

What we must not do is blame the victim! We all have heard someone ask the question “what did you do to cause it”? There are a number of reasons why a person with NPD will damage the person with whom they’re in a relationship but none of those reasons are the victims’ fault. The responsibility belongs to the abuser. But I had to learn that one of the traits of a person with NPD is that they will never take responsibility or accountability for anything they have done wrong. That’s unfortunate. That’s why I take so much time to educate on recognizing those signs, discerning those behaviors and ensuring that you take care of yourself. If we all know what to discern, we may be able to avoid the hurt that many have sustained.

I was recently watching a movie and started talking to myself. I’m shouting at the TV and telling the lady “open your eyes – that’s a red flag”. “Be careful”!

Here are some things to be careful of which points to “victim blaming”:

  1. They deserve it. They should have known better. Because I have a big heart and wanted to see the good in a person who admitted that they had been hurt, I deserved to be abused? No matter what a person thinks of me – or any other victim – no one deserves to be abused.
  2. Many times we point out things the victim may need to change about themselves. But the problem lies with the abuser and his character. No matter what a victim’s character or personality lacks, its no excuse for abuse.
  3. People tend to think the victim caused the abuse. The fact of the matter is, the abuser has some serious mental health challenges and needs to seek help for them.

Victim blaming is trauma within itself because it’s hurtful and harmful to your mental and emotional state. We are placing trauma on top of trauma already sustained. It’s considered a secondary trauma or a secondary assault. It forces you to internalize the trauma that shame, anxiety, guilt, embarrassment, depression and PTSD can impose – it can even lead to suicidal thoughts.

US News & World Report: “We are a culture of victim-blamers,” Engel says, adding that those who suffer sexual abuse – from young children to predominantly female students on college campuses – are frequently blamed for what happened to them. “The core of victim-blaming is that we don’t want to feel out of control,” she says, since being victimized – or learning that someone else was victimized – threatens to shatter the illusion that we’re always in control of what happens to us; and it runs counter to a notion rooted deeply in our society, Engel says. “Fighting for our freedom, being independent, fighting against someone controlling us – we have a whole history of that.”

If you have been a victim, remember:

  • ABUSE IS NOT YOUR FAULT!
  • Deal with the negative and false emotions of recovering
  • When dealing with those negative and false emotions, you need to unpack them with someone who can walk you through to healing
  • Accept that what you are feeling is normal

I am no longer a VICTIM. I am a VICTOR because I defeated the enemy! 

The victory belongs to Jesus! Victory was not a matter of me fixing or changing the circumstances like I thought I could.  Victory was IN ME. It was me coming to the place in my relationship with God where I believed Him – independent of the circumstances. It didn’t matter what the situation looked like. I knew and believed what God said! I had the victory of faith and that victory means freedom!

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If you are looking for a Speaker  who will impact your audiences as she shares getting through their pain to their power, their tests to their testimonies and their agony to their aspirations, please think of ME first!

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I can be reached at letschat@ladydrdenyse.com, 855-549-3894 or any social media platform.

God bless you on your NEW journeys!

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Denyse H. Turner, D.H.L., M.P.H., M.A., ACC
Certified Inner Healing Minister/Counselor/Coach
Certified Christian Family Counselor
International Public Speaker/Author/Grantwriter/Ghostwriter/Trainer/Counselor/Faith-Based Travel Educator
First Lady and Chief Connector at Dr. Gregory C. Turner, Late Pastor of Christ Temple Baptist Church

Pastor’s Widow helping others win!

The Difference in Praise and Worship

Aug12

Sometimes, the Lord directs me to engage in conversation in an attempt to increase others’ understanding of the scriptures and encourage them to increase their study. I posed a question on Facebook about the difference in praise and worship. There is a difference! I have a very learned friend in Worship Studies, who says the correct terminology is Praise IN Worship.

Thank you to everyone who chimed in. There were some interesting responses. We were on the right track but I want to just add a little more substance.

Throughout the Bible, the commands to “praise the Lord” are too numerous to mention. We can praise Him with singing, with shouting, with the dance and with musical instruments.

Praise is the joyful recounting of all God has done for us. It is closely intertwined with thanksgiving as we offer back to God appreciation for His mighty works on our behalf. But remember praise is universal and can be applied to other relationships as well. We can praise our family, friends, boss, or paperboy. Praise doesn’t require anything of us. It is merely the truthful acknowledgment of the righteous acts of another. Since God has done many wonderful deeds, He is worthy of praise.

Worship, however, comes from a different place within our spirits. Worship should be reserved for God alone (Luke 4:8). Praise can be a part of worship, but worship goes beyond praise. Praise is easy; worship isn’t.

Worship gets to the heart of who we are. To truly worship God, we must let go of our self-worship. We must be willing to humble ourselves before God, surrender every part of our lives to His control, and adore Him for who He is, not just what He has done. Worship is a lifestyle, not just an occasional activity.

If you notice in scripture, praise is usually presented as boisterous, joyful, and uninhibited. Jesus said that if people don’t praise God, even the “stones will cry out” (Luke 19:40).

But when the Bible mentions worship, you notice the tone changes. We read verses like, “Worship the Lord in the beauty of holiness” (Psalm 96:9). And, “Come let us worship and bow down” (Psalm 95:6). Often, worship is coupled with the act of bowing or kneeling, which shows humility and contrition. It is through true worship that we invite the Holy Spirit to speak to us, convict us, and comfort us. Through worship, we realign our priorities with God’s and acknowledge Him once more as the rightful Lord of our lives.

Worship is an attitude of the heart. A person can go through the outward motions and not be worshipping. God sees the heart, and He desires and deserves sincere, heartfelt praise and worship.

So we have to examine ourselves. Are we worshipping God or are we only giving praise, which can also be reserved for anyone?

Your thoughts?

Blessings!

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Denyse H. Turner, L.H.D, M.P.H., M.A., ACC
Pastor’s Widow helping others win!
International Public Speaker/Coach/Author/Trainer/Counselor/Faith-Based Travel Educator
First Lady and Chief Connector at Dr. Gregory C. Turner, Late Pastor of Christ Temple Baptist Church